Q. My daughter is having separation anxiety now that she knows about my cancer. She also wakes me up every night saying she is scared. She won't go to sleep without me. Any suggestions?
Children who have a parent with cancer often experience separation anxiety. They may be reluctant to go to school or to a friend’s house, or they may be afraid when a parent has to leave them to go to the doctor or even on an errand. Because fear is often driven by the unknown, it is important to make sure your children know about your cancer and how you will be cared for to give them as much peace of mind as possible. In addition, when you leave the house to go somewhere, tell your children where you are going and when you expect to return. Leave a contact number where they can reach you in case of emergency. By including your children in your cancer experience and daily routine, they have some control and participation, and may feel less helpless.
It’s common for children’s fears to come out at bedtime. They may feel more emotional because they are tired, or the natural separation of going into their own bedroom may trigger anxiety. If you haven’t already, set up a bedtime routine for your daughter that is comforting, such as listening to music, reading a story, or talking. Spending peaceful time with her before she falls asleep will help her relax and feel safe. It is also important for children developmentally to learn to self-soothe. Teach her techniques she can try should she wake up during the night, such as reading to herself or listening to a recorded story in your voice. Reinforce that you are safe in bed nearby. Establishing routines and communicating with her about your cancer should help alleviate some of her fears.
For more information about communicating with children about a cancer diagnosis, read CancerCare’s Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer and Helping Children Understand Cancer: Talking to Your Kids About Your Diagnosis. The American Cancer Society also has a helpful guide, Helping Children When A Family Member Has Cancer. There are also books that use imagery and simple language depending on the child’s age and developmental stage. See a full list of our recommended books.
You might also want to seek counseling for your daughter so that she can express and work through her fears. Our staff of professional oncology social workers are knowledgeable in children’s issues related to a parent’s diagnosis, sibling or other loved one. To speak with a social worker, call us at 800-813-HOPE (4673) or email firstname.lastname@example.org.