I don’t know how things stand right now with your husband’s treatment and the extent of your caretaking duties, but it may be that you’re feeling “burnt out.” Even though it’s the holiday season, it’s hard to feel like you can take “time off” from cancer. I wonder if your lack of interest in shopping and the trappings of Christmas is a signal that you need to replenish yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. My suggestions for you are not so different from the ones I gave previously to patients coping with the holidays: Keep expectations realistic; Let others help, even if you’re still the principal organizer of holiday activities; Set priorities and pace yourself; and Share your feelings with others.

Try not to dwell only on the cancer: remember that the meaning of the holidays is in certain ways already expressed through the care you are giving. And although you’re struggling with feelings of sadness and loss, you are still permitted to enjoy the gifts of the present: to celebrate not only a grand religious tradition, but also the moments of joy and gratitude for being with the people you love.

For more general tips on how to support yourself as a caregiver, see the previous feature on caregiving in the Ask CancerCare archive, with links to other resources and publications, or our Fact Sheet, “Caring Advice for Caregivers: How Can You Help Yourself?”

I am very sorry to hear that you are facing these challenges this holiday season. While you feel that your children are not wanting to have you with them, you don’t say whether you have spoken with them about your concerns. It may be that they are unsure of how you are feeling or what your expectations might be concerning Christmas. If you are in need of any special assistance or equipment to facilitate spending time with them, they may not feel prepared to manage those needs. The key may be to open up a discussion with them to talk about your preferences for being with family that day and to address the practical considerations that would make it possible.

As difficult as it is to cope with cancer during the holidays, it is also possible to be joyful. For many, the idea that you can feel both sad and joyful is an unusual concept. While your family may experience feelings of sadness associated with the many issues related to your cancer, there can also be joyfulness when spending time together with those who mean so much and creating memories of a special day. The challenge can be in maintaining an awareness of the pleasures that are available in the midst of a very difficult time.

Many people face challenges like yours during the holiday season. It might be helpful for you to speak with a CancerCare social worker about your unique circumstances, so please call us at 1-800-813-HOPE (4673). We’ve also compiled suggestions that might be helpful in our fact sheet, Coping With Cancer During the Holidays.

Depending on your particular family and faith traditions, there can be a lot of expectations at this time of year, many of them focused around finding joy in the season. When illness or grief interrupts those expectations, it can be difficult to manage.

Be kind to yourself during this time, and consider what is truly important to you now. That can require you to adjust your expectations about everything from shopping to housecleaning. Make a list of those things that you truly enjoy and decide which of those traditions you would like to retain. Give yourself permission to “pass“ on those traditions that generate stress or involve a good amount of effort

This may also be a time that you can ask others to provide additional support. This can include a conversation with the hospice social worker concerning what other services may be available. You might use the services of a hospice volunteer or have the ability to engage additional home care supports on your own.

While it would be ideal for family and friends to volunteer their help, it may be necessary to ask them. Consider whether there are specific tasks that you can ask others to perform which can provide you a break from the day-to-day demands of care giving. Is there someone who can stay for a few hours, offer to go to the market, or bring your father to a scheduled appointment? Many times family and friends would like to help but are at a loss as to how to be helpful without being disruptive to routines.

An additional resource you might find helpful is our Connect Education Workshop, Coping with a Loved One’s Cancer During the Holidays.

Adjusting to the reality of a cancer diagnosis and the changes to your life takes time and energy. It makes sense that you don’t feel like celebrating. You’re probably experiencing many feelings: some negative, such as uncertainty about the future, and also some positive, such as gratitude for the love and support of family and friends. It’s okay to not feel up to celebrating, but you should try as much as you can to not let your fears about being a “downer” keep you from staying connected with the important people in your life. Here are some practical tips I think could be helpful to you:

• Keep your expectations realistic. Know your physical limitations and give yourself extra time to rest as needed; anticipate that strong emotions will hit you unexpectedly, and give yourself permission to be less than “joyful” all the time.
• Delegate — let others help! Create a list of tasks you can ask others to take on for you accomplishes two things: it helps distribute responsibilities in a more manageable way, and people feel more comfortable when given something specific to do to help.
• Save your energy for the important stuff. In other words, prioritize and pace yourself. If you need to turn in early, or aren’t able to eat in your accustomed way, just let people know. Everything doesn’t have to be done all at once: enjoy what you can now, and look forward to enjoying more in the future. Maintaining holiday traditions is important, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be altered or replaced with new ones.
• Share your feelings with others. Don’t be afraid to express your feelings and concerns to family and friends. But consider in advance how much you feel comfortable sharing, and how much the other person may be able to hear. These are judgment calls, and not easy to make, but remember that the goal is not so much about imparting information, as it is supporting and enriching relationships.

For additional tips, please read CancerCare’s fact sheet, Coping with Cancer During the Holidays.

Another source of information is available from the American Cancer Society.

The holidays are a time for giving, so please give yourself the gift of acceptance — your grief is part of your healing process. It’s natural that remembering your brother at this time brings sadness and pain. Express your feelings and try not to isolate yourself from those who care about you.

Remembering your brother on special days is way to honor him. He can be there in spirit through a symbolic ritual such as lighting a candle at a family dinner or planting a tree on New Year’s Day. Do things that have a personal meaning to you and will foster positive memories of him.

Your feelings are a normal response to loss and you need to give yourself time to adjust to living in this world without him. Do what you feel up to doing during the holidays, but take care of yourself and let others know that you have limited energy, both emotionally and physically.

To learn more about grief, what to expect, and how to cope, please read:

• CancerCares fact sheet, Living With Grief: How Can You Help Yourself

• The National Cancer Institute’s Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss

Finally, How To Go On Living When Some One you Love Dies, is an excellent book that is written by one of the foremost experts on grief, Therese A. Rando (Bantam Publishers).

People view the holidays as a time to celebrate and connect with family and friends. However, the season can be stressful if you are living with cancer and trying to manage treatment side effects such as fatigue, weight loss or gain, nausea or pain.

Fortunately, doctors have many ways to reduce and even prevent side effects. At CancerCare, we often use the word “coping” to describe how people deal with cancer. People sometimes mistakenly think that coping means just living with a problem, whether you like it or not. But coping actually means managing a problem and finding a new way to take control of it.

You can maximize your enjoyment of the holidays by letting your health care team know now about your holiday plans and ask for their help in taking control of treatment side effects. Make an appointment with your doctor to discuss your concerns and ask for guidance regarding holiday meals, travel, and conserving your energy, as well as rescheduling your treatments, if possible, so that any resulting side effects will not occur on during the holidays.

CancerCare offers publications offering additional information so that you can better manage your treatment side effects and enjoy the holiday season:

• Coping with Cancer During the Holidays
• Understanding and Managing Chemotherapy Side Effects
• Coping with Cancer: Tools to Help You Live

You can find additional information about managing treatment side effects through the National Cancer Institute.

CancerCare’s social workers are here to help you with emotional support and practical help. Call 1-800-813-HOPE (4673) or email info@cancercare.org.

I am very sorry for the recent loss of your sister and the trying times that you and your family now face, especially as the holidays approach. Likely, there is a “legacy of loss” that has become part of your family’s experience during this time of year, which may add to the grief you are now experiencing. The struggle to try to maintain some degree of normalcy during a very confusing and difficult time is profound, and I’m glad you are reaching out for guidance.

I want to assure you that it is possible to get through this time in a way that feels “right” for you individually and also as a family. There are no rules here; listening to yourselves and acknowledging your limits will be very important as you approach the weeks ahead. Consider each commitment you make and ask yourself honestly, “Is this something I can realistically take on right now?” You are carrying a heavy load and taking time to pay attention to your feelings will help you to make choices that will honor your grief and spend time together as a family.

This time can also be an opportunity for you to come together as a family in very meaningful ways. Perhaps you will decide to avoid the holiday pressures, and instead simply spend your time in each other’s company. It will be important to open up a dialogue with your family about their feelings, thoughts, and ideas as to how they would like to spend the holidays while remembering your mother and sister. Be honest and gentle with yourselves and with each other—this will help to facilitate communication and understanding and find the right balance.

For more information that might be helpful, please view Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center’s video, Coping With Grief During the Holidays.

Please know that you are not alone and if you or any of your family members would like some additional support, please call our Hopeline at 800-813-4673. Our Hopeline is answered by CancerCare professional oncology social workers who are here to help and guide you. I hope you and your family will find some comfort during this difficult time.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your only daughter, and at such a young age. Your grief, especially as you face the one year anniversary of your daughter’s death, is understandably intense right now and needs proper attention and care.

You are not a “downer”—you are experiencing grief and that is real. This is a time for you to do whatever you can to take care of yourself. If you feel like crying, pardon yourself, and go have a good cry. Take the time and space you need to feel whatever comes your way and as much you are able, protect yourself from those who might place unrealistic expectations on you or judge you. Trying to force yourself to be happy might cause you additional stress, so try not to do anything you are not comfortable with; remember to pay attention to your feelings and internal reactions, and be gentle with yourself right now.

In order to take good care of yourself, consider identifying trusted friends and family to share your concerns with. If there is anyone you can confide in, call upon them to become your “shepherd” in helping to guide and support you during this difficult time. You might also come up with a “script” or something that you can say that feels authentic when people ask how you are doing, such as “this is a difficult time, but thank you for asking.” Making room for your grief during the holiday season may help you to feel less pressure, and hopefully allow for moments of peace, solace, or even joy that may come your way as you remember your daughter and spend time with your loved ones.

For additional guidance, please read our fact sheets, “Grief and Healing With the Loss of a Loved One” and “Helping Children Who Have Lost a Loved One.”

If you would like some additional support, please do not hesitate to call our Hopeline at 800-813-4673. You can speak with a CancerCare oncology social worker who can provide support, guidance, and resources.