For Any Cancer Diagnosis
Q. Are there books written specifically for children that can help them understand and cope with a parent's cancer diagnosis?
After talking to your child about a cancer diagnosis, books can be a helpful follow-up to encourage learning more about cancer, exploring feelings and asking questions. It can also be a nice opportunity to spend quiet time together or give your child some autonomy to learn independently. Books are available for different age groups and developmental stages. It is important to choose books that are appropriate for your child by not only looking at the recommended age on the book, but also by looking through the book in its entirety.
The American Cancer Society offers:
- Mom and the Polka Dot Boo Boo tells a story about a young mother’s journey through breast cancer (ages 2-5)
- Our Mom Has Cancer helps children understand and cope with a parent’s cancer (ages 5-12)
- Our Mom is Getting Better and Our Dad is Getting Better helps children understand a parent’s special needs when recovering from active treatment (ages 5-12)
- Because Someone I Love Has Cancer offers activities to help children navigate a loved one’s cancer experience (ages 6-12)
KidsCope has a free comic book called Kemo Shark to help kids understand cancer and chemotherapy.
The National Cancer Institute has excellent free booklets to help teens cope with cancer:
- When Your Parent Has Cancer: A Guide for Teens
- When Your Brother or Sister Has Cancer: A Guide for Teens
If you choose to share books with your child about cancer, be sure to check in with them to see if they have questions about what they read or if they want to talk about it.
Q. My daughter is having separation anxiety now that she knows about my cancer. She also wakes me up every night saying she is scared. She won't go to sleep without me. Any suggestions?
Children who have a parent with cancer often experience separation anxiety. They may be reluctant to go to school or to a friend’s house, or they may be afraid when a parent has to leave them to go to the doctor or even on an errand. Because fear is often driven by the unknown, it is important to make sure your children know about your cancer and how you will be cared for to give them as much peace of mind as possible. In addition, when you leave the house to go somewhere, tell your children where you are going and when you expect to return. Leave a contact number where they can reach you in case of emergency. By including your children in your cancer experience and daily routine, they have some control and participation, and may feel less helpless.
It’s common for children’s fears to come out at bedtime. They may feel more emotional because they are tired, or the natural separation of going into their own bedroom may trigger anxiety. If you haven’t already, set up a bedtime routine for your daughter that is comforting, such as listening to music, reading a story, or talking. Spending peaceful time with her before she falls asleep will help her relax and feel safe. It is also important for children developmentally to learn to self-soothe. Teach her techniques she can try should she wake up during the night, such as reading to herself or listening to a recorded story in your voice. Reinforce that you are safe in bed nearby. Establishing routines and communicating with her about your cancer should help alleviate some of her fears.
For more information about communicating with children about a cancer diagnosis, read CancerCare’s Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer. The American Cancer Society also has a helpful guide, Helping Children When A Family Member Has Cancer.
You might also want to seek counseling for your daughter so that she can express and work through her fears. Our staff of professional oncology social workers are knowledgeable in children’s issues related to a parent’s diagnosis, sibling or other loved one. To speak with a social worker, call us at 1-800-813-HOPE (4673) or email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Q. My 7-year-old daughter is sure she did something to cause my cancer. What can I say to her to convince her otherwise?
It’s normal and expected for children to fear they have somehow caused a parent’s cancer. When children don’t understand something they sometimes use “magical thinking” —the belief that one can bring about an event by thinking about it or wishing for it. By continuing to think she caused your cancer, your daughter is likely telling you she loves you, is afraid, and has no other explanation other than she must have done something to cause it.
You have already taken the first step to help your daughter, which is to take her concerns seriously. The next step is to plan a talk with her addressing her feelings and providing accurate information. Simply telling your daughter that she didn’t cause your cancer is not enough—you need to give her an explanation that she can understand.
Pick a quiet time when you and your daughter will not be rushed or interrupted, and sit next to her or hold her hand so she feels safe. It is important to praise your daughter for talking to you about her thoughts and feelings and encourage her to continue. You can also let her know that many children worry that they caused their parent’s cancer, but it’s not actually possible. Our booklet, Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer, offers suggestions on what you might say to your child including:
“Mommy (or daddy) is sick with an illness called cancer. The cancer happened on its own—nobody did anything to make it happen. I have very good doctors, and I am going to do everything possible to get better.”
Your daughter may accept this explanation, or may want more concrete information. Depending on her level of maturity and interest, you may use books or the internet to help her learn more about your cancer. Make sure to preview any materials or websites before sharing them with her and allow her to continue to share her feelings.
Q. Last week I told my son that I had cancer and we have barely spoken about it since. What can I do to help support my son?
As a caring parent you want to help your son understand what you are going through. Children want to know the facts and how they will be affected.
If your son is under 5, he is likely to ask you a question or bring up your cancer when he is most closely engaged with you one on one. His questions will most likely be brief and concrete, such as: What does your cancer look like? Does the medicine taste bad? Your answers should be brief, factual and in words he understands.
Children ages 6-11 typically are more interested in the mechanics of treatment. The “killing” of cancer cells and seeing your treatment as a “battle” or “fight” — whether or not you yourself use these images — is very likely how your son will think of your experience. Some parents are comfortable using this language; others may choose to describe their experience using non-violent imagery. Either way is okay.
If your son is a teenager, he will be wrestling with a variety of conflicting thoughts and feelings. He will want to ask questions but think it is “babyish” to be worried about you. He may feel sad about the situation but think it is “unmanly” to have that feeling. He will be certain that none of this “shows” at all but you will see it clearly in his face and demeanor. If you ask him questions he will most likely tell you that he is “fine.” Keep in mind that just because you have cancer, does not change the fact that your son is still a teenager.
No matter what age your son is, he will let you know when he is ready to talk. There may be times when you need to start the conversation because you are going to lose your hair, or need to rest more, or will be hospitalized. In these cases, be factual, brief, and use words you know your son will understand.
Here are some additional tips:
- Let your child know that you are always available to answer their questions
- Try to keep family time consistent
- Ask your child if there are aunts, uncles, school counselors or other professionals (social workers, psychologists) that they would like to talk to about how they are coping
- Find age-appropriate support groups for your children that will help them feel connected to other children who have a similar experience
Helping your Children Cope with your Cancer, by Peter Vandernoot (Hatherleigh Press, New York), is an excellent resource.
Q. I've been recently diagnosed and I'm not sure quite how to tell my kids. Is it ever a good idea to not tell them?
Talking to your children about your cancer and how it will affect the family isn’t easy, but it is important and necessary. By talking to your children honestly and helping them express their feelings, you can make it easier for them to feel safe and secure.
Here are my suggestions for talking to your children about cancer:
- Use understandable, age-appropriate language. Keep in mind that an eight-year-old will understand cancer differently than a teenager.
- Explain your treatment and any possible changes you may be facing, such as hair loss or being more tired than usual. Reassure them that their needs will be taken care of despite these changes.
- Let your children ask questions and answer them as accurately as possible. If you don’t know the answer, be honest and tell them you will try to find out.
- Let your children know that it’s okay to express their feelings, and who they can turn to for support.
- Write down or practice beforehand what you would like to say to your children; couples may find it helpful to talk to their children together.
- Choose a quiet time when your children are rested to help make the discussion less stressful.
While the discussion of cancer is serious, it is important to use a calm and reassuring voice with children, even if you become sad while talking. You can help them to see how you are trying to cope, which will help them feel okay with their own feelings about cancer.
You’ll find more tips in CancerCare’s fact sheet, Talking to Your Kids About Your Diagnosis.
Q. I have a 14-year-old son who doesn't seem to want to talk about my cancer at all. I know it's hard for him, but it also can't be good for him to keep things bottled up. What should I do?
Teens are at a stage in life when they are trying to develop their own identity, sense of self, and independence. Your son’s not wanting to talk about your cancer is a common reaction many teens have. Teens may feel that their questions or concerns might be hurtful or even scare the parent. It’s important for you to keep communicating with him and show him that it is okay to talk about feelings. Keep him up to date about your cancer and treatments, and let him know that if he has any questions or concerns he can always talk with you about them.
It’s important to respect his privacy and to offer him additional support that may be helpful to him. Identifying a relative like an aunt or uncle, or a teacher, coach, or school counselor with whom he can talk more openly can give him a sense of feeling more in control of his situation, and allow him to voice questions or concerns he may not want to with you.
If you haven’t done so already, I would also encourage you to inform his school. Teachers and school counselors can be supports for both your son and yourself. They can watch for and inform you of any concerns or behavioral changes your son may be displaying, and can advise you should they feel your son might need additional professional help.
The following publications may help as you navigate the sometimes tricky territory of having cancer while parenting a teen:
- CancerCare’s Helping Teens When a Parent Has Cancer
- CancerCare’s Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer
- How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness by Kathleen McCue and Ron Bonn (St. Martin’s Press: 1994)
- When a Parent Has Cancer : A Guide to Caring for Your Children by Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD (Harper Collins: 2004)
Q. I am 16 years old. My mother died of cancer when I was 12. I am still grieving deeply about it. What can I do to feel better?
For children and teens who have lost a parent, feelings will be continue to come up as you get older. As a 12 year old, the death of your mother was extremely difficult for many reasons that are personal for you. As you are growing and experiencing different life events such as turning 16, driving, going to high school events, etc., you may experience increased feelings of grief.
There are several things you can do to cope better with the loss of a loved one.
Allow yourself the time and space to grieve. During significant moments in your life, you will feel a range of emotions and intense feelings, and these are typical and are part of the grieving process. Give yourself the opportunity to acknowledge these feelings and work through them at your own pace.
Reach out to supportive people in your life to help you manage through these difficult times. Friends, family, teachers, coaches, school counselors, are all people who may be available when you are in need of support. While some of these people might be better at listening to you, others might be helpful by taking you out to a movie or dinner. Both types of support are equally important. Reaching out to a grief counselor or joining a support group for teens who have lost a parent could also be helpful.
Plan for special days or holidays. Your mother’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and your birthday are all days when you may need additional support. Planning a way to honor your mother on these days may help you in your grieving process.
Here are a few additional resources on coping with loss for you to read:
Q. I've recently started treatment and I'm trying to find things that can help support my 13-year-old such as groups, counseling, etc. Do you have recommendations?
Being diagnosed with cancer not only affects a cancer patient but the family members as well, especially children. Oftentimes, children are overwhelmed with worries about the cancer patient, and can feel alone and different from their peers.
We’re glad you decided to seek support for your 13-year-old, especially since most children do not know there is help available to them. Let your child know that they can always come to you to talk about their worries. They can also talk to another adult such as a teacher, counselor, or a relative who they can trust and who knows about your diagnosis.
Some children may also benefit from connecting with other children affected by cancer by joining an online or in-person support group. Having such an opportunity allows them to relate to one another and feel less alone or different.
You can contact CancerCare at 1-800-813-HOPE (4673), and our oncology social workers can help you find support programs that may assist your child. I’d also recommend contacting a local hospital social worker or patient navigator for referrals to local organizations that offer in-person support groups for teens.
The American Cancer Society (1-800-227-2345) may also provide a listing of local organizations that provide support groups.
Sometimes children may be shy and not feel comfortable about meeting others in person. If this is something your child may experience, they may sign up for an online support group offered through online organizations, such as
Q. My 5-year-old nephew has lost an eye due to retinoblastoma. He has started asking questions we do not know how to answer (e.g., What does cancer look like? Was I born with it?). How do we answer these questions and ease his anxieties?
When talking to children about a cancer diagnosis, it’s important to provide honest, age-appropriate answers. For instance, when the child asks if they were born with cancer, you can tell them that the cancer happened on its own—nobody did anything to make it happen. There may also be questions that you may not know the answers to and it’s okay to simply say “I don’t know,” which is an honest answer.
The reason why we stress being honest when talking with a child about cancer is that by doing so, you’re letting the child know that you can be trusted. For more information about talking to children and helping them cope with cancer please read our booklet, Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer.
Children may not have a clear understanding of what cancer is, which is why we recommend using arts, crafts, toys, and games to assist in talking about cancer. For example, you can take a small piece of clay and place it on a doll to show where the cancer is located. One might also draw a picture of a person to show the child where the cancer is located on the drawing.
It can be helpful to read books which are specifically written to help children understand cancer and its treatment. Kemo Shark is a downloadable comic book that is designed to help kids understand cancer and chemotherapy.
At times, counseling may be useful to assist children in working through the feelings behind their questions. If you think this might be helpful for your nephew, CancerCare’s professional oncology social workers can help you find local children’s counseling services. Please call us at 1-800-813-HOPE (4673).
Q. My daughter passed away from cancer about 6 months ago and I'm concerned about my 2 grandchildren, ages 7 and 4. Could you give me advice about how I might be able to help them?
As a parent who recently lost a child, it can be very difficult to deal with your own grief while also trying to support other family members, including children. How you support your grandchildren may vary depending on their age and how they are grieving.
Your grandchildren are most likely grieving differently than the adults in your family. You may find that they can be crying or sad one moment and then asking to play a few moments later. This is a normal reaction for children and can be helpful in their grieving. Especially with younger children, play is a way for them to express difficult thoughts or feelings that might not otherwise be shared.
You may also find the children continue to ask questions about their mother’s death or if she will be coming back. For children under the age of 7 it is difficult to understand that death is permanent, so they may continue to ask about it. While these questions can feel uncomfortable to answer, it is important to continue to address these questions in a concrete way. Saying that she is “asleep” or “passed away” may sound comforting to adults, but can easily confuse children.
Continue to love and support your grandchildren as you have been doing and take the time to listen to their questions and concerns. It is important for them to know that there are adults they can turn to.
Some families find it helpful to attend bereavement groups for children that have lost a loved one. These groups usually use play and creating art as a way to help children cope with their grief, while meeting other children who have also experienced the death of a loved one.
Here are a few additional resources that may be helpful:
If you would like some additional support, please do not hesitate to call our Hopeline at 800-813-4673 and speak with an oncology social worker who can provide support, resources, and guidance.
Q. I'm a third-grade teacher and one of my student's mothers recently died of cancer. I'd like to know how to help her, and how to help the rest of my class support her.
When a child loses a parent, it is natural for those around them to want to take away the pain or say something that will fix it. It is important to remember that you do not need to have all the answers. What your student needs most is to know there is someone there to listen and support her. For the most part, you will want to continue to provide structure and guidance in the same way you did before her mother’s death. Children, even those who are grieving, do best when adhering to their routine and what is familiar to them.
If you have the chance to speak with her privately, you can let her know that you are available if she ever wants to talk. This does not mean you need to take on the responsibilities of a counselor; rather you can be the starting point for her to get additional support. If your school has a counselor, you can help by introducing your student to him/her. Let your student know that if there is ever a time where she feels it is too difficult to be in class she can signal to you and leave to go to the counselor’s office.
As a class, many of the students may have some experience with death, maybe the death of a pet or a grandparent. Most will not have experienced the loss of a parent. The children in your class can be supportive of your student in very concrete ways by making a sympathy card, putting a care package together, and doing other kind gestures.
The following are resources to help the school staff as well as the child’s father:
Q. This is a hard time of year for us as my wife has cancer. Would you recommend any books about talking to and doing the best for our kids?
When coping with a cancer diagnosis, families often experience a variety of changes and adjustments during the holidays and other significant events. Discussing and preparing for these changes with your children can open up dialogue, elicit questions and help you to understand what your child is feeling. Although certain rituals or customs may change, it can also be helpful to honor old traditions as a way of maintaining a sense of normalcy for your children. Remember that cancer doesn’t have to be the focus of the holidays, and you have discretion over how much room cancer gets during your celebration.
Books can be helpful tools or supplements to reinforce language and ideas to help children cope with a parent’s cancer diagnosis, but should not replace a conversation. The holidays may be an opportunity to have such discussions, as you are likely joining together as a family to reflect on the past year and to make plans for the year ahead.
When selecting literature to help you talk to your children, consider your child’s age, developmental stage and maturity level. Being honest allows children of any age an important opportunity to ask questions and express how they feel. You may not have all the answers, but you can remind your child that you will always be available for them to ask.
For more information about coping with the holidays and communicating with children about cancer, read CancerCare’s Coping with Cancer During the Holidays and Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer, or review the following books to help you navigate these conversations:
- How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness by Kathleen McCue and Ron Bonn (St. Martin’s Press: 1994)
- Helping your Children Cope with your Cancer by Peter Vandernoot (Hatherleigh Press: 2006)
- When a Parent Has Cancer : A Guide to Caring for Your Children by Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD (Harper Collins: 2004)
For Esophageal Cancer
Q. My husband has stage IV esophageal cancer and his prognosis isn't good. My son is worried that he is going to die, but also wonders why his dad is so "crabby" and keeps yelling at him to clean up his room. How do I help my son understand what his father is going through?
Esophageal cancer presents a person with especially difficult physical challenges – changing the way a person eats, swallows, and even sleeps. This may make him much more sensitive to the disorder or messiness around him, including your son’s room. In addition, physical discomfort or pain can make a person extremely irritable. It may be too difficult for your husband to talk to him right now but you can reassure your son by letting him know that his dad is going to the doctor, taking his medicine, and doing his best to get better. Esophageal cancer almost always causes a great deal of weight loss, which can be scary for children and may also be causing your son’s concerns. You can explain how you and the doctor are helping to keep dad strong. Be specific about what is being done to help dad nutritionally.
Here are other things you can do:
- Always reassure your son about how much you love him.
- If you husband is unable to talk with your son about his feelings, help him write a brief note using age-appropriate language.
- Let your son know that you will tell him what is happening so he can feel included and that he can ask you questions.
- Let your son know that no matter how messy his room gets, it has no effect on his dad’s cancer, because his behavior has no connection to his father’s illness. You may need to say this often and in different ways.
- If your son’s room gets so messy that it overwhelms him, offer to help him clean it and find ways to stay organized.
You may also find helpful tips in the book, How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness, by Kathleen McCue (St. Martin’s Press, NY).
You can get more support about communicating with your son by calling us at 1-800-813-HOPE (4673) to speak with an oncology social worker.
Q. My 6-year-old son is getting treatment for leukemia. He is getting so much attention right now that his older brother is feeling left out. What can I do?
When a child is diagnosed with cancer, it’s a frightening time for the whole family. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for siblings to feel like their needs are being neglected. They may feel jealous, angry, frightened, or have other strong emotions.
Here are some tips for helping siblings manage:
- Make time to talk to individual siblings. Ask them how they are doing, and take time to really listen to them.
- Invite siblings to join you in fun activities. Siblings need to laugh, have fun, and be themselves, especially during this difficult time.
- Send emails or cards to siblings to let them know you are thinking of them.
- Encourage siblings to choose a special support person. Then, help them connect with that person. Keep in mind that they may want you to be that person.
The key is not to expect that siblings will just “get over” these feelings with time. In order to maintain their strength, courage and hope, they need your love and support more than ever.
These books may be a useful when helping children who have a sibling with cancer:
- Life Isn’t Always A Day At The Beach, by Pam Ganz
- What is Cancer, Anyway? Explaining Cancer to Children of All Ages, by Karen Carney
- Chemo Crusader and the Cancer Fighting Crew, by Melodie Homer
You can also visit SuperSibs!, an organization providing support to siblings of children with cancer.
Q. About six months ago, my five-year-old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and I had to leave work to take care of her. Now, I'm struggling financially and need help paying the bills. Where can I get help?
Children with cancer typically undergo an intense treatment schedule and their care can become a full-time job in itself for the parent or guardian. Unexpected expenses can range from uncovered treatment costs to transportation and childcare, as well as those of daily living, which also especially difficult to meet when there is a loss of income.
CancerCare, The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and the National Children’s Cancer Society, offer limited financial assistance for some treatment and treatment-related expenses for eligible families. The American Childhood Cancers Organization also provides a listing of possible resources.
Ask the social worker at your child’s treatment center for information on organizations in your community that assist children with serious illnesses. In addition, many large treatment centers have special funds for children to help defray the cost of treatment and related costs. Make sure you inquire about whether your treatment center has such a fund, and how you might qualify.
Finding help with the expenses of daily living is more challenging. A possible resource includes the 211 referral line of your local United Way which provides links to community programs that may offer financial assistance or practical help. You can also try negotiating payment plans for your monthly bills with your utility company, phone provider and other creditors, who may also offer assistance programs to people in need.
For additional guidance, please read our fact sheet, Sources of Financial Assistance.