I am from New York. At the time that my wife, Barbara, was diagnosed, I was 39 years old and working as a freelance consultant in the wine industry. I love outdoor activities, as did Barbara. We spent a lot of time camping, hiking, canoeing and skiing. I still do. When indoors, I play classical and jazz guitar and read a lot. I recently retired after 12 years as a marketing director with a wholesale wine company.

My wife, Barbara was diagnosed with stage 3 Colon Cancer in 1993. She underwent surgery and six months of chemotherapy. When we first learned of her diagnosis, we were devastated. We sat down on the floor together and cried for hours. Then it was like moving through a dream, functioning on autopilot. We heard doctors talking to us as if they were at the far end of a tunnel. The whole experience felt surreal. Unfortunately, it was quite real.

Two years later the cancer reappeared, and this time the diagnosis was terminal. Barbara had only a sister in Washington and a brother in Colorado, so I was her primary caregiver. It was extremely difficult and stressful being emotionally devastated and trying to balance taking care of her with making a living and managing the rest of our lives. Barbara survived for another 19 months and passed away in May of 1997. I was crushed.

When we initially learned that Barbara’s diagnosis was terminal, we really needed the support of friends and family. Barbara’s brother and sister were key. They made many trips to stay and help me with day to day care, especially toward the end as Barbara’s needs increased. A psychotherapist was also a critical member of my “team.” But we needed more to cope with the emotional and psychological stresses and pressures. That’s where CancerCare came in.

CancerCare was amazing. When I was overwhelmed with the enormous complexity and sadness of managing Barbara’s care, CancerCare was there. While the individual counseling and support groups that I took part in gave me much practical information, they were essential in helping me to stay focused on what was most important: maximizing every minute that Barbara and I had left together. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the responsibilities, or to hide from the sadness, and to forget that the most important thing is to love each other to the end, however long or short.

I was in a caregiver’s support group and saw a social worker for individual counseling. It was hard, but comforting to be with others who were experiencing the same things as I was. My parents came to CancerCare and received counseling to help them deal with their feelings of grief and helplessness. Barbara was in a patient’s support group and saw an individual counselor, too. Luckily we did not need financial support, but still, without CancerCare, I don’t know how we would have coped with this terrible experience.

I strongly recommend that one should not delay in seeking emotional, spiritual and psychological support immediately after a diagnosis. After Barbara’s first surgery, we asked the oncologist about support groups, but he said, “You don’t need that. It’s just grim.” I wish we had had known at the time how wrong he was and had sought out support groups and counseling immediately. It would have led us to CancerCare sooner.

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