Ask CancerCare

A. When someone close to you experiences such a loss, this is bound to affect you deeply. You are likely to observe that your friend is not quite "herself" in the workplace, that she often is overcome with emotion, filled with sadness, and tearful. These expressions are normal responses to grief. Still, you and other co-workers may feel a little uncomfortable and unsure about what to say or do to comfort and support your friend.

Remember that it is natural for you, as a friend, to be struggling with your own reactions to her loss. You may feel you have to offer her answers to her everyday problems or find a way to move her through her grieving more quickly. It's important to recognize that there is no magic answer or quick fix. Instead, focus on these few basic tips:

• Grief is a process and takes time. Remain patient and available, and be aware that she will have her ups and downs, some days being able to concentrate more easily on her work responsibilities than other days. Reassuring your friend that these ups and downs are part of the process will help her understand what is normal in grief.
• Listening is often the very best kind of support you can provide. Just be available to her and allow your friend the time and space she needs. She will have sorrow and many other powerful feelings to express. You cannot take these feelings away or "make it all better," but by listening you can demonstrate that you care and that her feelings matter.
• Extend yourself in practical and specific ways. A person who is grieving may appreciate help with a difficult task, making a phone call, or straightening up a disorganized desk.
• Speak words that touch your friend’s heart. These words can be simple, and are often more helpful than any advice you can give.

For more information on how you can help your friend, please see our fact sheet, "How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving."

A. Losing grandparents, no matter what age they were when they died, will always make us feel we just wanted more time to spend with them. The sense that there was more to say to them, more special activities to share, and more memories for us to "collect" and treasure for the future may move us to be filled with guilt or regret about not having done enough.

Although guilt can be a common characteristic of normal grief, it should be balanced with the awareness that we really tried to do the best that we could for our loved one given our human limitations and the magnitude of the health care concerns.

It is sad to lose two grandparents to cancer in such a short space of time. How does someone grieving two important loved ones cope when the losses are one right after the other? Allow me, if you will, to step into the role of your grandparents and speak to you directly in each of their "voices":

"As you know, I have always wanted the very best for you. I remember you when you were born, and was so proud of you as I watched you grow up. You were the dream come true for your parents, and the joy of my life in my later years. We spent a lot of wonderful times together, didn't we?

"The last thing I would want is for you to focus too much on the fact that you may not have been able to be there with me during my last moments. My greatest hope is that, as you live your life, you will hold onto the memories of me, which are deep inside of you."

This simple role-play exercise may help you to replace self-recriminating thoughts with positive "feedback." You can also think about your grandparents' most significant qualities, those that you will never forget. Consider that these qualities are part of the legacy left to you and everyone else your grandparents cared about.

One helpful online resource is griefnet.org, which offers support groups and resources for people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. You can also contact CancerCare and speak with one of our professionally trained oncology social workers.

A. It is very worthwhile for you to consider reaching out and getting support as you grieve the loss your sister from ovarian cancer. Grief is a process which continues over a period of time, and so many people have been able to find the comfort and direction they need by seeking out individual counseling or by joining a bereavement support group. People often express that they understood more about the nature of grief, were more accepting of their feelings, and felt less isolated when they participated in counseling or in a support group. A CancerCare social worker can help you explore what bereavement services might be most helpful to you at this time.

Here are some benefits of participating in a support group:

• You will connect with other members of the group who have a shared difficult life experience, the loss of a loved one.
• Sharing of loss helps create a bond of trust among members and allows a support system to naturally develop over time as the group holds regular meetings.
• Members encourage one another to express powerful feelings which normally emerge during loss: sadness, anger, frustration, and longing for the loved one, as well as hope for the future.
• Members exchange information about the grief process such as articles, books, and websites, and what has been helpful for them in their day to day lives.
• Often, the group may decide to devote a special meeting to sharing pictures of their loved ones with each other. This experience can be a way of honoring the legacy of those who have died.
• Members support each other as they anticipate and experience days that may be especially challenging, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and the holidays.

It is important to remember that, as a group member, you are encouraged to share as much or as little as you wish. A group can give you the strength you need to carry on through the daily ups and downs that are part of grief and provide you with invaluable ideas to help you care for yourself.

A. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. In the process of grief, five months is really not a long time, although many people who are grieving expect to feel better sooner and cannot understand why they are still struggling with such intense feelings. Most people who are grieving express that they have some good days along with difficult days. Be gentle with yourself as you experience the normal feelings that are a part of grief.

It is important to remember that the grieving process does take time and cannot be rushed. Although it may feel very upsetting, it is quite normal to have emotional ups and downs; to experience your world differently without the physical and emotional presence of your loved one; and to wonder what your life ahead will be like.

I suggest seeking out supportive services to help you better understand the process of grief and to connect to others who understand what you are feeling. You may benefit from individual counseling, participating in a support group, or reading more about grief and what to expect. CancerCare provides support and resources to the bereaved such as essential information, practical tips, and the kind of comfort you need as you cope with the depth of your loss.

To read more about grief, please see our fact sheets, "Living with Grief: How Can You Help Yourself" and "Coping with the Loss of Your Partner or Spouse."

I also recommend the book, How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese Rando (Bantam Publishers).

Remember, it is a normal and positive step to reach out for help and support during your time of grief.