Q. I've just started treatment for breast cancer and I need to talk about my fears and concerns with the people who are closest to me. But my family just says, "Oh, you'll be fine" and to stay positive. How I can I get them to listen?

A.

It’s often frustrating to hear our loved ones tell us that everything will be okay and to just think positively. It can feel dismissive and uncaring. However, our friends and family often do not intend to sound unsupportive, but may find it difficult to hear that you are struggling because they care about you so much. Or they might rush to comfort you, thinking that it’s helpful to tell you that things will be fine.

It’s absolutely okay to see things from a more optimistic perspective, or to have hope that things will get better, but trying to force yourself to think positively all the time adds more pressure and stress and can make you feel worse. It’s preferable to let yourself feel the negative emotions, as well as embracing the positive ones. If you try to shut off your fears and worries, it can make you hold onto them longer.

Try telling your friends and family that you appreciate their concern and realize that they’re just trying to be helpful, but that it is in fact more supportive if they just lend you an ear and a moment. Let them know that you are not asking them to solve your problems, that you just need to express your feelings. Sometimes you’ll have bad days and need to vent.

Ask them if they can shoulder some of your burden, just by listening, knowing that you would do the same for them. If they cannot, consider talking to an outside professional instead, like a CancerCare social worker. Sometimes you need a more objective person to create a safe space for all your feelings, positive and negative.

Our Connect Education Workshop Helping Cancer Patients and Their Families Cope with the Stresses of Caregiving might be helpful for you and your loved ones to listen to.

Remember, not all families can respond in ways that will be helpful. A support group might be useful to you as a way to connect with others who understand how you are feeling. CancerCare offers groups in-person, over the telephone, or online. You can also contact us at 800-813-HOPE (4673) and speak with an oncology social worker.